Life, or something like it.

So I'm going to attempt to make this as un-cliche as possible. Do we really need another "post-college-searching-for-meaning-in-my-life" post out there? Doubtful. I don't know if up until now I just didn't have time to dwell on it, or I was so busy focusing on the next box I could check off on the life-achievement list, that I never really sat down and had that whole talk with myself about what I want and what life means.

A lot of people run marathons after college. A) this is entirely insane to me and B) I kind of see it as a way to always be pushing, always driving towards that next box to check off-whether its grad school, a huge diamond ring, a marathon, whatever. Because if you're always pushing towards that next goal, you don't have time to sit around and wonder, "ok, what's next?". Usually, I would identify with the pushers, the seekers, the to-do'ers. In a sense, I guess I still do. I eventually want to go to graduate school...of some sort. And sure, that piece of bling sounds nice. But up until now I feel like I've always known what the next step was. I did the whole typical, vanilla, succeed in high school to get into a good college, then succeed in college to get a good job thing-now what? It almost feels like getting a "job" was a class project and I got an A on the final. The crucial catch is-now I actually have to go to said job...and it isn't an internship that is over after 3 months. I can't go back to Leo's and keg parties and sound really accomplished talking about all of the "research" I did at my internship in between rounds of flip cup (research = bitch work. shit does roll down hill).

The job thing is just one part of the equation that now feels somewhat lacking. I work all week, I am social on the weekends with my friends, I go to the grocery store on a Sunday night (always a horrible idea) and fight the rest of the yuppies for the overpriced greek yogurt and kashi cereal. I feel like I'm living this scripted life and I'm doing all the right things but I can't figure out why. It is because I'm single and I have horrific nightmares of ending up alone, eating lean cuisine by myself and talking to my cats? (Not cats-dogs. I hate cat people. But crazy dog lady doesn't have the same ring). I'm not exactly single by choice (no one ever is-if the guy/girl were REALLY that great, it wouldn't matter that you needed "time to yourself". If Tay Diggs ever decides to date me, no matter WHAT is going on in my life-I will not need "time to myself") but I am enjoying it. I love going out, meeting new people aka hopefully hot non-creepy guys (only been semi-successful so far) and not having to feel tied down. I work a lot and barely have time to remember my dry cleaning, nonetheless another person. I say this of course, secretly jealous of my friends in relationships where they have that "person", that other human to text when they wake up in the morning, or just to say hi, or just to say they miss them. I've heard it described in a number of ways-and I agree on the basic point that most of all, amongst the billions of people out there, we all just want to matter-and if we have that one other person in the world to which you are their "person", then you feel like you matter. Is this it? Will a relationship provide that solid foundation to this abstract notion of life? If that's the bottom line, then I'm offended on account of all of the feminist, independent sensibilities that were instilled in me through a disgusting amount of Sex and the City episodes.

It's complicated.

I was talking to a friend about relationships and the entire notion of "factoring in" the other person in a relationship. Especially at Georgetown, people turned up their noses and rolled their eyes when couples senior year would make plans around each other-both going to law school in the same place, both moving to New York, etc. My intuitive reaction that stems from a brutal breakup in which I was blatantly told that I was not worthy of being "factored in", is nausea and panic. Why would anyone, after working their ass off for 4 years, plan their life around a significant other after graduation? We all heard the jokes about girls going after their "MRS" degree .My inner cynic sneers and bitchily comments that those couples will probably break up, and then girl A would've made this huge life choice on account of guy B and then will be stuck, alone, with nothing. Apart from the sheer panic of making plans based on a relationship and then having that relationship fail is the self-centered mindset that has been drilled into us at Georgetown (at least in my opinion). Me, my life, my career, my job. Always looking out for number 1. I can't tell you how many times I would hear at school, from both guys and girls, "I don't have time for him/her, I have so much studying to do....I have my internship, my extra-cirriculars, my job, etc". Looking back its completely ridiculous-I've never had more free time than I did in college. All the little type-A, over-achiever kiddos just couldn't be convinced to leave the library.

At the end of the day though, as cheesey as this sounds, your job won't love you back (my sure as hell doesn't), it won't be there at the end of the day when you come home, and you can't cuddle up to your job (i've tried snuggling with excel in a desperate hour-it wasn't pretty). What's so wrong, if you ultimately want to be in a relationship with someone in the long run, with "factoring in" that person? Is it a generational thing? A preppy, East-coast, rich kid school thing? I don't know.

I guess it's TBD.